Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

I escaped, what I believe to be, one of the most volatile relationships of my life.  I didn't quite understand what kept me involved for so long, until very recently.

The thing is, I grew so attached to the person, I lost myself.  I forgot me.  I forgot how much fun I was.  I forgot how to be a best friend.  I forgot my inner beauty.  

I forgot All of me.  

The kind, caring, considerate person I had grown to love had escaped me.  I didn't know she was lost until I found her again. 

It has only been a short week since cutting off all communication with the person I had sacrificed myself to.  Each day gets easier.

As a woman, I want to punish myself for becoming vulnerable to a person who would never love nor respect me. My kinder side is working on forgiving myself.

What has happened, diary, I have reclaimed my inner voice. It became crystal clear, once I terminated his presence.  

I started digging deeper into the "whys."  I stopped denying my truth.  I took my time to do my homework.  I began trusting my instincts all over again. I needed to uncover the truth.

I learned wholeheartedly what it means to be under the control of a person who couldn't possibly understand or reciprocate my love.  

How can one love, when they do not know love for themselves?

I began listening to detailed accounts of what it means to be in a relationship with a true narcissist.  I was in denial when warned. Once I opened my mind to the possibility, the pieces fell into place.  I discovered my life had been turned upside down under the mental manipulation of a mastermind.  

Under his spell, I could not understand how bad it truly was.

How did I finally come to grips with this reality?  

Once all communication was cut, (something I had been trying to do for so long) I found my inner strength to disconnect and reclaim my inner peace.

I had come so close before, but he always pulled me back in.  Why couldn't I break free?  

Why and how?  Those were my questions all along.  

I had to find a way to emotionally detach, protect myself and stop the cycle. He made it difficult, finding new ways to keep my attention.  Each time I tried to remove myself, even when we attempted a "friendship," he fought to maintain contact.  

His sweetness oozed all over my better judgments.  

I soon provoked him to a point, to help prove to myself he didn't care, that he never cared and his patterns would continue uncontrollably.

There was a final fight when something finally clicked, it allowed me to walk away and not be there.  Not be the person he tried so desperately to make me out to be.  

The thing about this type of personality, they take all their insecurities, all their self hate and mirror themselves on you.  Eventually, you turn into this awful person they see in you.  You change your mind and forget yourself.  They align with your deepest fears and most deep seeded insecurities.  Many stemmed from childhood. 

I fought daily to compact the cycle of emotional and at one point, physical abuse.  The anger and rage was intermittent. I never knew what would trigger him.  

I am a survivor. I am resilient. I am a strong, willful woman, who knows her worth, yet I continued to settled for something less than anything I had ever needed or wanted before.

I wish I could warn all women who are stuck in the cycle of emotional entrapment.  Tell them it's real, unpredictable and they are not crazy. The hateful words, lies, infidelities, omission of truth, stonewalling and denial are all real.

We are only a supply of the purest energy for them, a food source for their darkness.  

I felt emotionally broken, and I fought for my sanity regularly.   

I would combat. I learned his behavior and turned it around on him. I became unpredictable, I became him in a sense. 

I was cruel to counter his cruelty.  

I was calculated to master his calculations.  

I was devious to uncover his lies and infidelities. 

I was the worst version of myself with him.  

All in my quest to survive, to protect my heart and find my exit.  

By the time I had discovered this person was not the person I had thought him to be, it was too late.  

I was already attached and drugged, addicted to the roller coaster of emotions he set in place.  The highs were so high, the lows so devastatingly low.

It is literally experiencing an emotional prison, my head told me to leave, my heart yearning for the next fix.

I am fearful of the what will come to be.  

Although, I love myself again and feel freed, I do not trust I won't fall back if ever given the opportunity.  

Like an addict being tempted by the worse kind drug presented to them.  

I need time to heal, to grow, to be alone.  I need space to understand how I allowed my peace to be invaded, boiled on a slow simmer. 

As I sit here and write, I know there's a lesson.  Over time I will master the lesson and share the wisdom with those who need it.  Forgiveness and self care are paramount right now. 

I do not know where I will be tomorrow, in a week or in a month.  

In the now, I am safe. 

In the now, I am strong. 

In the now, I am empowered.

I will rebirth into someone better, someone who escaped the mind of a sociopath.  

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