My own Story - Why Did we Divorce?

Marriage is a funny thing.  We enter into the institution with all of the best of intentions.  We are hopeful, in love or in lust and we say our "I Dos" with no idea of the road that will lie ahead.  The idealist perspective is that we will live happily ever after, married forever.

This is total bullshit!  Marriage is anything BUT happy ALL the time.  Life throws us curve balls, life can be crazy and unpredictable.  People get sick, they die.  Babies are born, we go through emotional turmoil, many ups and downs.  I have not spoken to one married couple who has said they are happy ALL the time.

I personally believe I experienced my own mid life crisis after turning 40.  This created havoc in my own marriage.  No one sends this memo around.  "Crisis coming : Prepare for a storm!"

It's all a little insane, but it's true.  When I look back on the 11 years I was married, I have many, many happy loving memories, but I can also recall the times when I was deeply hurt by the person who was the love of my life.  I have wounds that never healed.  But, I also have not one regret.

I gave my heart to a man who truly loved me the day we were married.  At the time we were a true romantic love story.  And in all our years together we always did our best.  I know this is true and I choose to understand this, because I refuse to play a blame game; we were both in the same exact relationship.  

Our love never left, but I often felt it changed forms.

Our love transformed from passion, to care, to commitment, to something that felt more like an obligation of what we were suppose to do.  We both lost much of who we were at our core, due to responsibilities and children and outside factors.  We both stopped being true to ourselves for the sake of our marriage.

And than we unraveled.  And soon we were both deeply unhappy, but at different times.  I changed and wanted out, came full circle and settled back in.  He changed and wanted out, but never settled back in.

And here we are, on the path of permanent separation with all the hard aspects of what this entails.  I have cried, I have felt harsh anxiety, I have felt sad and alone and abandoned.  But today, as I write this, I feel strong, and stable and good.  I feel good knowing I have not lost the man I was married to, I have gained a parent partner.  Something we both agree we are good at. 

I remind myself, I rather feel respected as a mother and friend than feel I am an unfit wife.

And even as I re-read this post to prepare it for my weekly blog post, I find it true to my heart. This is real. Today I wake up with a heavy heart, wishing this nightmare would end.  The reality of divorce is our emotions are a tangled maze of confusion.  One day you are up and the next you are down.  And you push on and pretend it is all going to be okay, because there is nothing else you really can do.