Not staying Angry

Something weird always happened in my marriage.  I never, ever truly stayed angry at my husband.  When I was hurt and mad I may have yelled or screamed, occasionally.  But, I always felt better and I moved on.  (See: I Am So Angry)

I let it go and felt my feelings were heard.  It wasn't always the best way to purge, but it was therapeutic from my perspective.  Not expressing feelings, any feelings can be extremely toxic in any relationship.

When you get a divorce you'd expect this to change.   You'd expect to get angry, REALLY angry and stay angry.  I am sure many couples fall into this rut, because your ex is your enemy.  He betrayed you or hurt you or ruined your life.  Why not stay angry?   It is what we are are suppose to do. HATE THE EX!!

Many times I was given advice to automatically make my soon to be ex husband the enemy. I rejected it.  It felt inconsistent with my core feelings. 

I was a partner with this man for many years and am forced to be a partner with him for many more. Marriage or no marriage.  As upset and angry as I may have been over things, when we are in the same room talking about whatever we 'needed' to talk about, the anger dissipated.  It vanished.  My care overcame the anger in all scenarios.  That is all part of who I am. 

My ultimate reason for not staying angry is that I am stuck with this person for the rest of my life to raise our children.  I don't always agree with his choices, but I also do not hate him.  Overall, we were in love at some point and we shared a lifetime of memories. To alienate him would feel unnatural. Seriously, isn't that unnatural?

Simply because I do not agree with his choices, does not mean I do not respect him as a human being.  

I do what I feel is best instinctively.  If I am feeling upset about something I confront my ex.  If I feel I am not being treated with the respect, I have earned, over the last 11 years, I make sure he knows it.  

To date this has worked.  I believe I am getting more care and kindness now than in prior years.  Maybe it is guilt.  Maybe it is real.  I will take this current relationship over the dysfunctional aspects of the relationship that got us here.

My best advice for everyone: 

"Don't stay angry"