Powerless

That day when I knew I had to change my thinking. The day when I knew I would never salvage my marriage.  The day I had a sliver of hope and tried to pull and stretch it over our broken mess.

It was the day I broke down in front of my children.  I sobbed so hard I felt like a stranger in my own skin.  I felt if he only knew how hurt I was, he may reconsider what he had done to our family and to me.

This did nothing.  It only made me weak.  His unkind words stung as I had lost all that was once us. His state of mind spoke volumes: "I Fired You!"  The togetherness was no more.

Now: He is on one side, me on the other and our boys inbetween.  In this moment it became my new reality forever.

I was down on my knees, apologizing for past harm, my own past wrong doings.  The last of my dignity was diminished. I would build myself up from that moment in time.

I share this not to be pited or to play the victim. This instead became a pivotal moment for my boys.  What they witnessed were raw emotions as they played out from one moment to the next. 

Divorce is sad.  Divorce is all about transformation. 

I am not normally a crier.  I do not breakdown easily.  I maintain control more often than not.  For my boys to see this side of me was relevant and in hindsight probably a good thing.  They understood this decision was not made lightly, and it is okay to cry and it is okay to express these feelings. 

They each hugged me before I left without them that day.  I know they were worried.  My boys grew up a little bit this day. 

Fast forward one month later:

My 5 year old recalls this as the "breakup day" 

He shared his perspective with me one evening before bedtime.  "Mom, remember the day I was building the tower of red solo cups?  The day you were crying. It was sad. That is the day you and dad broke up."

These memories are etched in his mind forever.

He shared more about our broken family and how he wants me to marry daddy again.  He is a happy child overall, but in his world he much prefer to have us all together.  Mommy and Daddy together is always better than apart.  (Readers keep this in mind.  Our children rather have togetherness, if we can find a way to work through the differences. However, happiness can still be achieved apart.  Our children will see this.)

The day I gave away my power was pivotal for my children.  I reflect this evening and now understand. They will know I fought until I had no more fight left.  I fought and gave their father the last bit of me.  I gave him my heart on our wedding day and my power during our divorce.  He had all of me. 

And soon the tables would turn:

I started to find my way again.  I began writing. When I began writing, I didn't stop.  I wrote every day and each day became less and less of a challenge.  By the time I posted week #2 of my blog, I was renewed and centered.  My life became brighter and joyful. 

I had finally reached the flip side of my nightmare.  My dreams were being rewritten and revitalized.