The Stages of Grief - Are they Real?

The five stages of grief are very real, but they come in waves and often more than once.

Let me begin at the beginning.  The thought of even getting married scared the bejesus out of me.  I was always fearful of making this huge commitment with no end in sight.  "Till death do we part?"  That is a REALLY long time.  What if I change my mind?  What if we fall out of love or worse hate each other?  (Um, yes. These fears are very real and they happen.)

I felt marriage was a huge committment and I did not want to marry the wrong man.  

My impulsive, love struck self, fell head over heals for the most perfect man and moved at lightning speed down that aisle in full blown honeymoon stage.  We were idealist and elated to be together forever. It was

"LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT."  We were a true story book romance that everyone looked up to.  We were the couple that had it all together and gave other couples new found faith in true love and relationships. 

Until we weren't.

And when the problems began, they compounded and hit home hard.  This is the problem with the falacy of true uninhibited love.  The more we love and see our partner with bated eyes, the bigger the disappointment when neither can live up to the image we aspire them to be.  The fall is greater and it hurts more.  Maybe true love tests our faith at a deeper level.  Where does that love go when we forget how fantastic it felt?

Today my ex and I are the poster children for divorce.  We are the stereotype. The marriage that would not survive the test of time.  We were selfish and tired of the same conflicts.  All the things we loved about about one another, we ultimately grew to hate.   The love transformed into something else; the love fell to the floor and left nothing but grief.

The Stages:

I initially felt relief to be done with this insane institution.   Yes I am free! (Acceptance)

Than I felt perplexed and confused.  Where had our love gone? It must still be there, hidden, love never dies. (Denial)

I felt anxious and sad.  Is this really my new life?  Where had all our dreams together as a family gone?  (Depression) 

I believe the death of our dreams together was the hardest reality to bare.

I bargained with myself, maybe this is only temporary.  Maybe we will fall in love all over again and start anew.  He is angry and will forgive.  (Bargaining)

I felt anger mixed with despair. I have yelled and I have begged.  I have also found contentment and positive outlets.  (Multiple stages)

Overall, it has been a rollercoaster of emotions.  Some days I have cried and others I have been my normal happy self. Commit me now!  I am a mess! 

The most complex piece is that he and I get along so well.  We are truly partners as parents and as business associates. We respect one another and care. However, we simply could not make this thing called marriage work.

In hindsight, we both can come to terms with where we went wrong.  We reflect and have given each other honest answers based on our perspective of what happened in the past.   We now have nothing to lose, our walls have diminished and we have become candid.

I am always amazed how we both lived the same experience and felt very differently about a situation.  The slightest communication breakdown created hurt feelings and ultimately a wound.  

How many wounds can a single marriage bare before it falls apart?  Or before one person finds someone else to soothe those wounds?

The more wounds, the longer the grief and the harder it is to recover fully before moving on. 

I find myself stable, but am still suffering from the lost of my family.  It is a complicated reality to learn to live with.  Without burdening myself with regret, I try to find the good in each day and remind myself these feelings are temporary and from the muck something new and beautiful will be birth.