Embrace The Pain

And the emotions come in waves.  It starts as an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and snowballs in a spirals of fear and uncertainty.

Why does it hurt so much? Why the disconnect. What my life could be and what it will never be.  But, I was great and happy yesterday.  Why do I feel so helpless and unsure today?

I hate this.  I hate that my emotions can over take my entire being, making my entire body hurt and feel so saddened. 

My true nature is to be light and happy and free.  These feelings pull me into the unknown leaving me vulnerable to tears with an unsettled mind and heavy heart.

I wish I understood what is rooted with these harsh emotions.  Is it him pulling away further and further each day?  Or is it just me processing the reality of not having the life I envisioned and my children with me all the time. 

I believe this is sad and stupid.  Marriages always go through difficult times.  They do not all need to end so abruptly. 

And I sit in limbo knowing I need to cut my emotionally loses and move on.  Yet I keep one thought on him always waiting and wondering if he will wake up and remember what we had at our core.

This is a psychological mind f-ck I play with myself.  Maybe it is to cope, maybe it is natural.  It is a game of seesaw within my mind and all I want to do is jump off the rollercoaster and never look back. 

Feel the hurt and feel the sadness.  Own it and make it yours to push you to new levels of understanding.  This is meant to give strength in the mist of hopelessness and uncertainty.  

The sadness is part of the journey.  Without it we can never feel all the happiness waiting on the other side.  I have never felt so uncertain about my future, but each day is new and each day gets me closer to finding out what is waiting on the other side of all this unhappiness.

(I wrote this piece as I was feeling these emotions about 2 months ago.  I have since had lots of transformation and changes in my life.  As I unfold my story each week I am amazed how quickly life can take on new twists and turns. Keep following along, life takes new form after divorce. I move foward with positive intent always)