I Am So Angry!

I got my rage out one afternoon when my ex had to meet me in my office, with a notary, to refinance our home.  Yes, we had that one, huge, heated conversation.  One conversation was exactly what I needed to give him that piece of mind I had held in for weeks.  It ended with, "You are a F-cking Asshole!!!"  And boy did that feel so damn good.  He took it and fled. 

And I sat at my desk and realized that I had gotten to him, I had finally vocalized my pain and fear based on all the events that had transpired to that moment in time.

He was actively dating someone new and he defended her.  (see: The Other Husband) or (see: The Juicy Gossip)  How dare he put some strangers feelings before mine?  How dare he minimize my place in this mess he made?

What was he thinking? That it would be okay? That all of this would be okay?  It's horrible, it is devastating.  It's not natural to unravel your family over something trivial.  A little attention? BIG DEAL!!  A little flirting.  Whoop! Whoop!

 It is all simply shitty! 

(And I can guarantee those perky boobs will never take my place)

But..... the fact of the matter is, he and I had been dealing with things so well.  And it was this one piece of information that just messed with my mental state. (as it should) It is the one piece that made me so upset, the thoughts in my head swirled around and around, creating the worse of scenarios. 

I was replaced.  This was my translation. 
I was simply not good enough. 

I initially spoke calmly and steady.  Trying to vocalize what I felt.  I told him this new person would always be the other woman.  

This person would always be an issue, you left me for her.  (He would nit definitively deny or admit to this).  We were happy, you just forgot about all the happiness.  We had the ability to work out our problems, we had something worth fighting for.  We were great together when we communicated and took a moment to be connected.  You choose to throw it all away.  

As I spoke, my emotions escalated, my hurt feelings over came me and my voice began to rise.  I continued to speak and soon yelled and ultimately screamed, my final words blurted out.  Asshole, You ARE a F-cking Asshole!!  Oh, he got it good.  He got my full blown wrath for better or for worse.

I was hurt beyond silenced words.

Am I proud? No. But, I felt as if I had purged. This in turn was a positive turn of events for me.  Getting all that out made a huge impact on my mental well being.   Was I 100%? Absolutely Not, far from it, but I was certainly headed in the right direction.  I could feel myself empowered, I took some control back into my life. 

I regained some of my power in these moments, because I know I hurt him.  And I was tired of feeling all this pain alone.

How can a man not understand the impact of his consequences and minimize the truth to the point of deception?  It was too soon, yet he simply could not wait.  And the selfish bastard defended his actions.  This new person was nothing to me - nothing to our relationship.  Yet, he made her relevant and that was unacceptable.

The best aspect of all of this, is that he knew.  He knew exactly what I thought, and I was sure he absorbed it wholehearted.  He was angry and powerless.  I know this because he told me after the fact and sent me a harsh email. Basically, it said "get over it."  I could not help but think he had been cold and calculated. This is how I felt.   

We spoke later that day when I picked up our boys.  We both sat by the pool, at my old house, and we managed to see each other and be kind.  We found common ground with our boys swimming in the pool.  We always found our way back to that comfortable place between the two of us, that is what makes this Divorce so Unconventional....but this is for next weeks post.  I will end instead with this:

He has to live with his choices. He knows what he did and although he may blame ME for his choices, he knows I know the truth.  I no longer need to live with that.  He, however, needs to live with himself for the rest of his life.  

And that for me is enough.