First Birthdays - Post Divorce
"One Birthday Party I thought." One Birthday Party for both boys to enjoy, streamlined, to minimized interaction with the ex. Great idea right? Maybe in concept or theory.
Sometimes, it is nice to have a little reminder of why you and the ex could not make the relationship work. It reinforces why getting divorced is good for the soul.
My 'aha' reminder moment which reinforced my emotional freeing of those marital chains was while having a combined birthday for our boys. Yes, we planned to do this together, yet, I am not really sure why I thought this would be a good idea.
We managed through it, for the most part, fine, but as I reflect on the series of events for the set-up on that day, I realized what an emotional, negative, energy suck this man, who I call my ex husband, truly is.
Maybe I needed to be removed from my situation for 6 months, before I realized how much I endured during our 11 year marriage. I am absolutely certain, my emotional state of mind is significantly better without him in my day to day life.
Now, warning, this is all going to sound like a rant and as if I am complaining, but when you step outside the marriage and reflect back, you start to pick up on character traits that truly do not suit who you are, any more.
I try to be as diplomatic as possible, but on this day, when we are suppose to be focused on the boys, I feel as if I am fighting an up hill battle with the lack of engagement on his end. The irony, he was always like this, I just tolerated it for years.
It is a constant tug of war between ego and self awareness. I know in my heart, I am doing the best I can each and every day. I am a single mom, I have put my feelings aside in many situations and I allow many thing to roll off my calm exterior.
I have been mentally preparing for this party for over a year, even before I knew I'd be getting a divorce. I knew with my oldest turning ten, I'd have to step up the party planning game. Ultimately, I pulled a party together, without asking for any help from my ex, aside from a few things. For some unknown reason, he was never on board with the location, the time, the day, as if it really made a difference in the big picture.
By the time party day came, the apathy I encountered, tied in with the complaining, truly boggled my brain. It was the sour icing on the already over baked birthday cake. I did my best not to feed into or acknowledge it, but when friends ask me what is wrong with him, I simply say, "It's just who he is. Nothing has really changed."
For example:
"Oh the pool isn't even open. (with a smug grin) Oh, isn't that why we had the party here, because the pool would be open?" (The pool was on maintenance still, but was suppose to be open for the party)
"Why did you get a Pinata if you didn't have a place to hang it. I would not have gotten a piñata."
As I'm getting other stuff ready, he is sitting there telling me he has no idea how to hang the piñata. I asked the young restaurant staff employee and he gave us a spot immediately.
Wait, my ex-husband, with the Mensa IQ can't hang a piñata? It's not that he can't, he is choosing conflict.
I swear this man was looking for a fight.
"Oh my god, this was so much money for the 3 pizzas we ordered. You didn't tell me it would be this much, was there a BUDGET??" This man talks budgets all the time, yet his finances are an utter disaster. (This is all he had to purchase, the food and the tent rental, I bought everything else and make a third of what he makes.)
"Oh you didn't extend classroom invites?" As if, how dare I forget? "What about Ty's little friends?" (Ty had one friend from class I could have also included)
It was one dig after another. The emotional abuse most apparent in the time spam of one hour. I still do not know how I withstood it for so many years.
What my ex forgets is I have many loyal friends, who stand by my side 100% of the time. They protect me and keep a watchful eye. Some call him my ex Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
My 'aha' reminder moment which reinforced my emotional freeing of those marital chains was while having a combined birthday for our boys. Yes, we planned to do this together, yet, I am not really sure why I thought this would be a good idea.
Maybe I needed to be removed from my situation for 6 months, before I realized how much I endured during our 11 year marriage. I am absolutely certain, my emotional state of mind is significantly better without him in my day to day life.
Trust me, if you are on the fence about getting divorced, and you are feeling bad about yourself, push forward, you will thank me later.
Now, warning, this is all going to sound like a rant and as if I am complaining, but when you step outside the marriage and reflect back, you start to pick up on character traits that truly do not suit who you are, any more.
I try to be as diplomatic as possible, but on this day, when we are suppose to be focused on the boys, I feel as if I am fighting an up hill battle with the lack of engagement on his end. The irony, he was always like this, I just tolerated it for years.
I wondered:
Why am I explaining myself to this man?
Why do I constantly have to fight for my integrity as a human being?
Why is it, no matter how good my intentions, my words or thoughts are twisted into something they are not.
Is a little respect so difficult to maintain? Apparently NOT!
It is a constant tug of war between ego and self awareness. I know in my heart, I am doing the best I can each and every day. I am a single mom, I have put my feelings aside in many situations and I allow many thing to roll off my calm exterior.
I have been mentally preparing for this party for over a year, even before I knew I'd be getting a divorce. I knew with my oldest turning ten, I'd have to step up the party planning game. Ultimately, I pulled a party together, without asking for any help from my ex, aside from a few things. For some unknown reason, he was never on board with the location, the time, the day, as if it really made a difference in the big picture.
By the time party day came, the apathy I encountered, tied in with the complaining, truly boggled my brain. It was the sour icing on the already over baked birthday cake. I did my best not to feed into or acknowledge it, but when friends ask me what is wrong with him, I simply say, "It's just who he is. Nothing has really changed."
For example:
"Oh the pool isn't even open. (with a smug grin) Oh, isn't that why we had the party here, because the pool would be open?" (The pool was on maintenance still, but was suppose to be open for the party)
"Why did you get a Pinata if you didn't have a place to hang it. I would not have gotten a piñata."
As I'm getting other stuff ready, he is sitting there telling me he has no idea how to hang the piñata. I asked the young restaurant staff employee and he gave us a spot immediately.
Wait, my ex-husband, with the Mensa IQ can't hang a piñata? It's not that he can't, he is choosing conflict.
I swear this man was looking for a fight.
"Oh my god, this was so much money for the 3 pizzas we ordered. You didn't tell me it would be this much, was there a BUDGET??" This man talks budgets all the time, yet his finances are an utter disaster. (This is all he had to purchase, the food and the tent rental, I bought everything else and make a third of what he makes.)
"Oh you didn't extend classroom invites?" As if, how dare I forget? "What about Ty's little friends?" (Ty had one friend from class I could have also included)
It was one dig after another. The emotional abuse most apparent in the time spam of one hour. I still do not know how I withstood it for so many years.
Every step of the way there was conflict about the party, which should have been easy and effortless. I learned a lesson, combined Birthday parties with the ex is not necessary. I can take care of my boys next year and enjoy a drama free existence. I'm sure the pool will be open too!
Happy Birthday to my Boys - they are now 10 and 6. They have no idea, dad and I had conflict, but they did have a great time and will remember having a blast with their friends for their Birthday Party.
Happy Birthday to my Boys - they are now 10 and 6. They have no idea, dad and I had conflict, but they did have a great time and will remember having a blast with their friends for their Birthday Party.
What my ex forgets is I have many loyal friends, who stand by my side 100% of the time. They protect me and keep a watchful eye. Some call him my ex Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
I just say, he is someone else's problem now!
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