Holding On - Emotional Turmoil

And even with the best of intentions going into a situation, sometimes our heart has a totally different agenda.  And so I fell.  And I could not change how I felt.  

I was a victim of my hearts desires, trapping me in a situation I did not know how to navigate or escape.

And the dynamics were complicated.

I was involved with a man who had every intention of exiting his marriage when we first got involved.  We bonded over our circumstances of divorce.  We sincerely connected, and found an unexplained likeness that kept pulling us together, even when we both knew it was never going to work.

It was sad on many levels, yet I continued on this path, holding on to someone I would never hold close.  However, that emotional connection was apparent each and every day.

We had those conversations, we wanted to be together.  We were drawn into one another and we truly were caught off guard by the magnitude of our chemistry. 

We had a window of hope when his living circumstances would change. Two months of holding on to the promise of what could be. We saw a positive, happy future in one anothers lives as we counted the days until he'd be 'freed.'  We both wanted the same things and we were on the same page.  There was once an "us."

And it never happened, she wouldn't leave, as we both feared would happen.

He asked me repeatedly to wait, to "Hold On." And I did.  I did wholeheartedly, but the pressure of the unknown quickly unraveled what was once our togetherness.  It was confusing and deceiving.  In fact, the deception had spiraled out of control.

I do believe he had a level of care for me the entire time, but he was incapable of truly opening himself up to give me what I needed during this waiting game.  His mind unable to focus, his attention spread thin.

Sometimes a person is so wounded, their emotional state is tested on levels we can not comprehend.  We all want to feel safe, but that type of sanctuary grows over time.  

I believe, if he and I had spent more time together some of these issues would have been addressed.  
A stronger, more consistent bond would have been developed.  

These were the "what ifs" that kept me there, "holding on." 

My well intended, caring friends would tell me to move on. "Get your life back and Start Dating!!"

I seriously considered it.  

My head said, "Do It!"  

My heart said, "It's not time." 

"I won't abandon him. 

I'm not ready to walk away."

When care is embedded, it is difficult to simply walk away.  You want to make sure that person will be okay.  And you want to make sure the hurt of leaving is less painful than the hurt of staying in a situation that no longer serves you.

So I chose to stay until I could no longer be there.  And once I knew my time was done, I found a way to exit and made it okay.  I asked him to 'set me free.'  We both knew it made no sense to hold on with so many unknowns.  And I was aware, I was slowly losing him to his wife, I was losing him to other factors as well.  An extremely difficult reality to overcome.

The safe known was easier to retreat back to, than the unknowns of something new.  He told me he did not want to choose, yet every day he was choosing.  He chose his home.  

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"I don't want to abandon him." 

 Imagine, I would put this on myself!?!

However, considering my own abandonment issues as a child, (my biological mother took her own life when I was barely 3 years old.) In hindsight, I believe I chose to stick close to this situation in order to help soothe my own childhood wounds.

If I can save him from his circumstances,
I am also saving myself.

I would love him more.
I would love him for who he was, not who someone wanted him to be.

I would be everything he needed, everything he never knew he wanted. 

I chose to live with uncertainty
something always drawing me back in each and every time I tried to pull away.

I gave and I gave selflessly, without regrets.  I naturally cared, without ever wondering why.

I honestly do not know what possessed me to open up the way I did,
as I have NEVER done this with anyone else before.

In the beginning, it was harmless, but somewhere on this journey it became dangerous. 

I was playing with fire and I knew it would hurt.
And it did, it hurt, it hurt more than I had ever imagined.

The longer I stayed, the harder the journey, and the toll on my emotional state worsened.

I am not scared to give.

I am not scared to share.

I am not scared.

Some say I am brave for writing my truth.
I am who I am out of love for everyone who gets close to me.

I am unsure why or how, I just continue to move forward one day, one emotion, one feeling at a time.

Listen to :  A Falling Through 

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Please Stay on This Journey with me