Being Uncomfortable

We all have reasons why we do things that make us uncomfortable at certain times.  How much can we endure before we give up?  There is a place of being uncomfortable through telling the truth, or confessing your pain, or evaluating why you are feeling a certain way and why.  And soon the uncomfortable becomes comfortable.

My friends warned me and stated, 

"I don't want to see you get hurt."

But, what they didn't understand was, I was already hurt.  I was being hurt everyday. 

I was hurt being put on a back burner, I was hurt not being able to be with the person I cared for.  I was hurt for longing and wanting someone I would never have.  I was hurt consistently through the entire time I was communicating with this person.  (See: Holding On - Emotional Turmoil)

The nuggets of good never truly outweighed the bad.

I was so use to feeling the hurt, that I stopped thinking it wasn't okay.  I became comfortable with the uneasy feeling of being unsettled in a situation that was not serving any positive purpose in my life. 

  It pulled me into a whirlwind of despair that I embraced for the sake of an unfulfilled love expectation. I held on to the hurt and lived on the hope of what may or may not ever be.

My own strength comes from digging deep and trusting what I am feeling and when.  I do not deny my inner voice, but I trust that I'm doing exactly what I am intended to do at the exact right time.  The universe always provides exactly what we need at the exact right moment.  

What we often do not realize is even the difficult stuff is part of the process. 

The hurt feelings are very much intended.  I instinctively chose this path for a reason despite the fact that my initial intent was pure.  (See: Two Worlds Collided) 

  I chose to be hurt. I chose to be unfulfilled.  

• Maybe it is all I felt I was worthy of at the time.
• Maybe it was just enough to strengthen my resolve for something else in the future. 

The first week after cutting off communication was rough.  I wondered, does he still care, does he still think about me?  Is he okay? Am I okay?  I woke up each morning, and worked to push him out of my mind.  As I went about my day, every time he crept into my thoughts, I pushed to let him go.

I needed to make myself forget.

I had to cope with the loss of severing those ties. Five months of constant, daily communication invested in something that would never be.  

           All that hope washed away

I looked for distractions.  I did whatever I needed to do, to make the pain less painful and the present more hopeful.  And I redirected and found a new place to focus my emotions.

I don't think he had any idea the level of hurt he had caused, and I am sure 

he took my perspective for granted. 

There is never a reason not to give of yourself.  Just know, that when it's time to move on, you do so with well wishes.  We all deserve that respect even when things do not work out the way we want them too.  Time heals us all, just give yourself the time to do it properly. 

And, as I edit this piece, there's a dull, silent pain in my heart.  It will soon go away, but in the meantime, I will smile and tell you I'm doing just fine.

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Next week is pivitol ......