Why Him?

Why Him? 

Why was I drawn to this person?  

It is important to understand, that I am very selective on who I choose to be involved with.  

I often wondered how someone I was never attracted to could capture my attention.

Why did I suddenly see him in a different light?

This is what I figured out.....

From the start I felt he was sincere and authentic.  He spoke whatever was on his mind, without filter.  I found it oddly endearing.  He gets this adorable inflection in his voice when he is being funny and it always made me smile.  And he has a sweetness to his spirit that only those close to him would understand.  It shines in his smile when he is happy.  He is thoroughly unique, his own person without a doubt. 

To me, this was attractive, who he was from the inside out.  

Nothing would have changed that for me.

When we were together, we developed an honest, transparent comfort.  We could look at each other without words and we intuitively just knew, all the good and the bad. The time would fly by, and there were no secrets. It was when we were apart that changed things, our trust broke down, making our a true dynamics difficult.   

His mind intrigued me as I have struggled with similar thought processes, but I have learned to cope.  He is thoughtful with conflict.   What is right vs. what he wants vs. what he thinks he is suppose to do.  He was trapped in his own emotional tornado during most of the time we were involved.  He allowed fear to rule his world.  I would have captured all that fear and returned it with peace.  His life would have transformed.

I understood this and trusted him to do what he felt was best even when I did not agree.

I learned why I had always dismissed him before I knew who he was.  His wife made me think he was less, less of person, always putting him down in every conversation she and I had ever had over the years.  There was no care, she no longer wanted him.  Her love for him had diminished. It no longer existed. All that was left was disappointment and apathy, emotionally crippling him, as she wondered why he was never the man of her dreams.  She confiscated his man card years ago.  As I reflect, her words and actions spoke volumes. 

I discovered he was better, better than what I was told.  I saw the man within, the one who wanted to do right by his family. The man who sacrificed his happiness to keep his family intact.  He is a giver, very much like myself.  I felt in some respects he could be my person.  That one person who just gets me, or maybe I just got him. It felt easy and natural, like we had known each other forever.  It is one of those things that you never quite understand, until you have experienced it.  Regardless of how things played out, this is how I felt and I never wavered.

Ironically, once I finally stopped to look and see him, none of that really mattered.  My feelings for him were insignificant in the big picture.

In my mind, I thought I would be enough to erase the years of discontent for a brighter future, something easier.  The glimmer of hope, I held on to, that I saw in his eyes, was not sustainable.  His past over shadowed any goodness I tried to blanket over it.

We all have inner beauty, whether it shines brightly or dimly, it is there.  I was given a gift to see people for who they are, regardless of what they show the world around them.  

'She stifled his growth ever chance she got, 

overpowering his will to be all he could be.'

.....I instinctively knew what he needed, but he was stuck.  He lied to himself and those around him, out of fear of facing his truth.  His home circumstances so unstable, he never had a chance of being his best self......

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He is a beautiful soul in a situation that buried his spirit. His essence sincere, with purity in his heart.

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I have peace over all of this.  I hope he finds the same, regardless of his chosen path.  I do hope we find friendship again one day, as I choose my friends based on who they are and what I know them to be within.  That is what true love is.

We all have hurt, but how we cope with that hurt dictates our future.   

We all make choices in life.

We do whatever we need to do, to survive each and every day with a little bit of peace of mind. 

No one can be faulted for that.  

Although my heart has healed, 

I will always hold him in a special place.
(because he is just as worthy as I am)

Listen to : Shelter