Why I Decided to Date

There is this person.  You click, there is chemistry.  It feels right.  But, he is unavailable.  At least for the time being.   And it hurts.

It hurts because you both know you wanted to be together.  It hurts because you both cared so much, or so you thought.  It hurts because the universe teased you,  brought you together and than took your time away.

You live one day at a time, wondering if and when you'll see each other or get the chance to be a couple.  A real couple. 

You long to be together.  To touch, to hold, to look into one another's eyes.  If only things were different and you could have that time in one anothers arms.  

And it never happens.  And it ends. Circumstances change and all is lost.  

So I date.  

• I date to make the pain diminish.  
• I date to turn those hurt feelings into something different.  
• I date to be relevant again. 
• I date to push the pain of losing someone I cared for, into a comfortable space in my heart. 

I date to find someone who will see me for me and give me that validation that this rejection was not about me.   This loss does not make me any less of a person, it only helps me understand why it wasn't what I needed, not now.

It's an odd reality to know something feels very right, but than never being able to grasp it.  You just sit there and watch, waiting, wondering, why do I feel these things, if they will never be mine?  

Yes, this rejection is real, but, if the rejection comes from a place of miss opportunities, it's feels different.  It's one thing for someone to simply not want to date you, it's another experience when that person has conflict within that can not be resolved.  

As much as you want to help make their pain go away and fill those voids, it simply is not enough, they must do so on their own.  They must heal and grow from their own circumstances.

We can not change someone's mind - but we can change how we feel about a situation.  

And I wonder when I find someone else I want to hold on to, will I have completely healed?  I do not want someone to fill my void.  I only want to enhance someone else's life with the person I am each and every day.  The happy, sweet, fun loving and caring, idealist, vulnerable, yet strong person.  The person I show everyone in my life.  

And I date - and I discover - I have so much to give.  I will be patient and take my time.  There is nothing more fulfilling than giving myself the care I need to feel good again.  To be happy and light.  To know nothing is ever in vain.

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Have the courage to open yourself up.

Care for others.
Have the courage to say, "Yes!" when something feels right.
Have the courage to be honest about how you feel toward everyone in your life.

I can promise, even if you get hurt, it's worth it. The pain is always worth the reward in the end.
To care for another person is a gift. 

Own that gift, then set it free.
It will come back to you in waves.

As I complete this journal entry, I no longer hurt.  And I am happy I allowed myself to be true to who I am. I realized I am stronger than I ever imagined.  I would much rather know I am capable of feeling strongly for another, than to never have had the experience at all. 

I am liberated being able to share these feelings, as much as I have exposed, it has ultimatley given me so much more in return.  

I am prepared for whatever life and love has to offer me.

Please Read: Why Him? I decided to wait to share it towards the end as this journey was coming to a close.  It is candid with sincerity. 

I have two additional weeks on how my journey affected those involved and around me.  

Next week will be significant towards closure.