Tinder Weridos - Circa 2017

I officially deleted my two swiping apps.  Tinder and Bumble.  It was just too damn much!  I signed up For E harmony, got 2 or 3 sad little matches and asked for a full refund.  I tried Match and had old fat guys checking out my pics and some super pathetic guys messaging me some really crappy things.  So, the online dating deal has been extremely lack luster.  I tested Hinge for a few weeks and got bored of that too.   

I stole this from the internet - &  YES
"Let's go out for 'Tacos" is a Real Thing

In the meantime, here is a little comic relief circa 2017 about all those Tinder Weridos I had encountered.  Enjoy. I hope to bring tears of joy, since you'll be laughing so hard.  

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Dude whose name I won't say, since he may be reading this:

This guy made me laugh out of the gate.  And I had to give him a shot.  He embraced my writer side and I think he fed into the hilarious to make for a better story.  I smiled so much, that I truly looked forward to our first date. 

However, I do need to share a few things I learned prior to going on this date:

He told me he had "giant ear hair" that he needed to pluck. (This should have been a severe red flag)

He also revealed he had been struggling with undiagnosed vertigo and he sometimes falls over without warning, especially when he is drinking. (Another humungo red flag, but hey I do give many, many people the benefit of the doubt.  It is a character flaw, I realize this)

He had cut the tip of his finger off by accident a month prior.  This really wasn't that big of a deal to me other than the fact that he showed me a bloody finger photo after it had just happened.  I really should share his photo, but it is simply too disgusting for even my most open minded readers. 

I know.....I know ......what you are thinking my dear readers.  "Why would I still follow through with this date????"  Well, I was not really sure.  I suppose I was still laughing and isolated, none of these things seemed so bad. Now, that I grouped them ALL together in a blog post....okay, YES.  It was bad.  

Yes, so I meet the guy and instantly knew it was NOT going to happen.  He had this whole Metro Sexually thing going on.  Way more over the top than even my ex-husband.  I was thinking...uhuh.. ...No-Can-Do my "less than a man date." 

Guy was not this good-looking

However, I am not the type of girl to date ditch within the first 10 minutes.  So I stuck around and made the most of it. It was a fun date, restaurant hopping, but most definitely nothing else. I have truly gotten good at the 'make the most of a date thing.'  Of course, at some point I had to let the guy down (via message on a totally different dating app that he stalked me on.)   

He ended it it all with:

"And you never had a chance to see my freshly shaven balls."   

I CAN NOT make this stuff up!!!!

Good Lord!! Where do I find them? 

I have only just begun......

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's move on to Drew:

If a dude says "Pu-tang" during the first phone conversation, run and run very far away.  This guy was old enough to know better. 

Drew seemed very normal.... at first. He was very cute, he vacationed with mom, sent me a photo of their trip and he was 44.  I thought maybe this one would be normal. He asked to call me (on the phone) kind of soon, but I rolled with it. Our first and only phone call he talked a lot about himself, bragged about all the vacationers he 'banged,' over the last 30 yrs, in New Smyrna Beach. He had a few DUIs.  He didn't go out much and he made a comment about "Well, if you can squeeze me in a 30min window, let me know because I won't chase you."  (Apparently, my schedule put him off a bit.)  All I thought was  "GOOD, because you will never catch me!!!"

Although he and I never met, he spotted me talking to another guy on New Years Eve out on Flager Ave in NSB.  He lives on this strip, apparently looking for girls to bang.  How do I know this?  He texted me photos of me talking to another guy, and than made quite a few vulgar comments up until 3am.  

All I kept thinking was "OMG, do these methods actually work for him?"  The detailed sex talk when......

1) I have never met you 

2) I did NOT give him any inkling I wanted anything from him.

3) He is gross

It simply boggles my mind.  I blocked him, but felt utterly slimmed.  

????????????????????????????????????????????

Oh and than there was Eric:

Eric was a total head case, but, he eased into his crazy.  He and I actually clicked emotionally.  I felt like I knew him for a while, even though we had just meet. I am not sure if this is how I connect with people in general, pulling them in or if it is a combination of both me and that other person.   With Eric, I felt we got too close too quickly on an emotional level and before I knew it we were having arguments.  We only went out twice, so I find it perplexing we would be finding things not to get along about.

He announced he would, "Ghost me" as a threat and actually messaged me that it was pathetic to be on dating sites as a forty year old mother of two.  

Wait.  Wasn't that how we met?

He apologized after the fact, and tried to make amends, but when I clearly told him, "absolutely not," he got werid again.  So I Ghosted Him!  (UGH!)

In the end, his erratic behavior was enough for me to "let this one go".  Not really sure how I went from 0 to 100 with this guy, but I knew it was going nowhere fast.  

He was, however, a nice warm body to make the old flame jealous, at a friend's Birthday party.  So Eric served his purpose.  

Yes, I really admitted that!!  Too bad he fell off his chair when he was drunk embarrassing both of us, but he did make for a really good story after the fact.  Such is life!  And I learned a good lesson. DO NOT date guys who wear white sneakers to a party.  (That one was for my girl Lexi...thanks for taking care!!)

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Ryan #1:

After a very brief MSG exchange I made this date.  Not really sure why I did this as he and I never spoke on the phone.  If I had spoken to him on the phone I would have figured out very quickly his odd voice and unusual, self diluted confidence was not quite what I needed in a guy who was 31.   (I am really harsh, I know this.) I struggled to keep conversation up with this guy.  And come on, anyone who knows me, knows I can talk to anyone.  On a plus side he was in the Peace Corp which I admired and found thoroughly interesting, as I had looked into doing this once upon a time.  He drove about an hour to see me as I had asked him to meet me near where I lived so I could walk to our date. (I am a shit, I know it.) He didn't offer to pay, so I gave him an awkward hug good-bye, so I suppose we were even. 

 I knew that was it.  I believe he sent me a Merry Christmas or Happy New Year message.  Hard to recall, he was pretty forgettable.  (I can't help, but be a tad cynical)

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Ryan #2:

He and I had a brief message exchange and agreed to make plans to have coffee.  After the detailed message below I quickly changed my mind.

I literally copied and pasted this from my dating app, as it was the inspiration for this blog piece. 

"It’s almost funny how many guys get hung up how big they are. It’s also funny that yes, every guy wants to be bigger, but hell if you have a healthy relationship and she wants a bigger dick then don’t be a jerk and let her have a huge dildo or if you have a very open relationship let her sleep with another guy. So long as that works for both. Sorry I think I delved into this too far, but the subject is interesting and I find hangups to be hilarious."

Yup!! That really happened.  Glad I copied that before be unmatched me for not responding. 

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All and all, I basically gave up on these dating apps after one too many bad experiences after another. 

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I actually met an interesting guy out on New Years Eve the old fashion way.  Which gave me new found hope.   

And since, I have run into more than one eligible and not so eligible men the old fashion way, always when I least expect it.  

Hope is on the Horizon

What I have learned is when you meet someone in person you can sense their phermones and that is the one way I personally know if I can even consider dating someone. They need to smell attractive. 

There is something about a person that you instinctively know immediately if you can date them, but most importantly kiss them.  

I can't tell you how many times I sat across from someone and thought, oh no, this is not happening. It was something I could not put my finger on, but it is all about the person's essence. Their energy and vibration.  You have to mesh and feel the person on more than just one level.  

I have made my New Years resolution.  No more online dating. I deleted all my accounts.  I had too many inconsistencies of who I thought someone was vs. who they really are in person. 

I am committed to being free of that, meeting people the old fashion way, in person and enjoying the simple pleasure of living life with purpose, not for the next hot guy.

Now that's some good dating advice!!