A Clean Slate

It's time to change the dialogue.

It's been a year, an entire year since I moved out of the house I lived in with my ex-husband.

So much has happened in that year.

Great things.

Learning experiences.  

Life lessons. 

Lost Love. 

I have lived independently and can only express how nourishing this year has been for my soul. 

As I reflect: 

I have reevaluated and reconnected friendships.

I have laughed and cried wholeheartedly.

I have loved and lived fearlessly.

One huge revelation, considering this is a divorce a blog, about an Unconventional Divorce and life after divorce, I do not really understand how I ever truly wanted to be married to my ex-husband.

This is probably a large piece of my puzzle and I have not thought much about it until very recently, after another disconnected phone conversation with my ex. 

What I finally discovered is, I simply do not like my ex.  I don't like the way he thinks, how he judges and sees the world. I do not like the way he makes me feel as a person. 

This was an aha moment for me. 

I choose not to think about him most of the time.  However, for about 5 brief minutes after another "off" phone call, I gathered my thoughts and pin pointed my exact feelings at that time. (Being honest with the whys)

What am I feeling?
Why do I feel this way? 

I am respectful of his roll as the father of our children and that is the only positive from the entire situation. 

He is there.

He supports them
financially,
emotionally
&
physically. 

That is more than some divorced dads, so I am grateful for this.

How he makes me feel, as a person, is irrelevant in the big picture.  I say this strongly. 

The best advice I can give anyone going through or in middle of a divorce, your feelings are not important. 

Respect your exe's role as a parent, no matter how big or little a role they may play. 

Let all the other stuff go. 

You can NOT change or fix them.

Your opinions are meaningless. 

Allow your ex to be. 

This is my biggest takeaway after one full year of divorce.  You do not have to like the ex, or be friends, but you also do need to let them invade your space, not spiritually, emotionally or physically.

---------------

As I wrap up my year of divorce, 

I have found I am undefinable.  

I can not be defined.

I have been a good mom, and a selfish mom, I have been a hotmess, and I have had my shit together.  I have been a great volunteer and I have slacked on my duties. I have had my house pristine and have lived in a pigsty.  I have been a caring, giving friend, and I had been a horrible friend. I have explored my sexuality and I have chosen to be alone. 

I am both selfish and selfless.

I am both loved and hated.

I am both fulfilled and lacked.

Spectrums of life that we all teeter on.

At the end of all of this:

I am happy. 

I am happy 94% of the time. 

Some days I am full of excitement, this is off the charts happy of 130%. 

Maybe 6% of the time, I'm feeling out of sorts, unsettled, that is the 6% when I wake up feeling not good. 

My feelings occasionally get out of whack when I picked up on other people's energy.

This is part of my human experience that I have embraced with understanding.  I have learned to decipher the difference between my own feelings and others.  A very fine balancing act.

With mindful wisdom and cautious awareness, I am at peace with life in the moment, the present and the now. 

Be Honest. Be True. Be You.