40 Yr old Hormones & 50 Shades Gone Wrong

My close friends know my hormones are way out of control.  It's a huge joke and they get it.

They are not in their prime yet, but they allow me to embrace my inner Samantha Jones.  

As much as I tell men I want an emotional connection before doing the dirty deed, I am also ready to find myself a FWB if necessary, in the meantime.... Before I freakin' burst!

Every time I find a decent guy, who I discover has some pretty amazing skills, even without having sex, it works out they do not live near me or they are moving across the country. (Seriously, can't you stay to service my needs?!)

I wait patiently for the next encounter.
Never on a Bumble date. (Have you seen some of those sad souls on Bumble? Read: Bumbling Idiots for a good laugh.)

The right guy will walk into my life when I least expect it.  In the meantime, the struggle, is very real.  18 year old, teenager boy libido is how I'd describe being single in my 40s.

Which is great in many ways.  Wanting to feel desired is a beautiful thing, and finding a hot, regular hookup would be amazing.  I do, however, have my standards.  I will not be with any man that is willing and ready.  Flirting is fun and fabulous, but I have a few hard lines I have drawn in my sandbox.

True Story:

50 Shades of Grey had an entirely new meaning for me about a month ago.  I chatted it up with what I thought was a pretty hot number.  Yes, he was a Bumble swipe, but he had the most amazing abs.  My utter most weakness.  (I am a sucker for abs)

I gave the hot ab guy a shot. He had a daughter, my son's age and seemed worthy enough. We chatted, on text, for about a week before talking on the phone.  Big, BIG mistake, (I really should know better. I absolutely need to get these phone calls in sooner.)  

I have found, as much as I can get a man to open up to me via text, over the phone, the flood gates always open.  It must be an instinct.  Men tell me all sorts of things.  I suppose, I bring an undeniable level of comfort to them.

LUCKY ME!!!

I get on the phone with hot ab guy, who I am very ready to meet and I imagined he would have this incredible deep, sexy voice. The kind made for awesome phone sex.  Instantly that hot voice, I had anticipated, was closer to an awkward whisper, borderline, I'm trying to be seductive, but it really it isn't anywhere near hot or sexy.  It was not working for me.  Not in the least.  

My libido tanked in the first 10 seconds.  (Crap) (Double Crap)

I was not quite sure what was going on with 'hot abs' emotional state, and I am sure he is potentially a great human being (or not), however, something was definitely off.

I stayed on the call, hoping it would level out and make me feel less uncomfortable, and then he brings up his "toys" and his love for the 50 Shades series. He saw all 3 in the theater and owned the DVDs.  

I admit, I touched on the subject in the context of planning to see a chick flick the next evening, and my girls and I have also seen Bad Moms and 50 Shades.  He apparently took this as an open door and fiercely walked through.  

Once the call ended, he sent me photos, Nipple clamps included.  Isn't it true, if Christian Grey was broke and not super sexy, he'd be a freak!  

Yes! Yes! Yes! = No! No! No!

And I moved on.... 

a bit more frustrated and a little bit wiser. 

I am beginning to believe, I am being fed writing material each and every day of my frustrated life.