My Midlife Crisis

I touched on this topic in my early blog posts, when I first began my blogging journey, but I deliberately omitted the details.  Today I am ready.

This blog is my personal bible to the truth. And now that I have a captive audience I will share a sensitive truth about my past.

At a time in my life when I was happy and content in my marriage, my life crossed paths with a younger man who showed interest in me.

I was intrigued and captivated by the attention.  I rejected the pursuit in the beginning, the texts telling me how beautiful and sexy I was. 

Why would this matter to me? 

Maybe turning forty and being married for 9 years made me forget how desirable I could be.  Soon, harmless texts crossed the line and the fantasies began.

After a few phone calls and chance meetings, I was 'caught,' but this person wasn't anything real.  He was a mere fabrication of my imagination. My being was trying to reclaim the love I felt I had lost in my marriage.  My marriage at the time was not terrible, I was wounded, but the marriage was not doomed.  

Although, something was missing. 

If I had only turned to the man who adored me, I would have had everything I needed.  I do not think I realized what I was jeopardizing at the time. Everything I could ever have hoped for was right in front of me.  But, we know how this story ends.

The excitement of simply thinking about being with someone new empowered my mind.  It brought me to a place I found I had no control over.

This was pure temptation.  It was wrong, but I found myself unable to resist it. 

Yes. I was wrong and I was naive. I jeopardize my entire life.  I was not in a healthy mental state.

Once upon a time I had it all! I had everything I needed for happiness (or so I thought) This is why I have never held anything against my ex when he finally asked me for a divorce.  I understood those feelings of wanting to get out. I lived it. I empathize with a midlife crisis. (He will swear he was not in a crisis)

I experienced a younger person thinking I am hot, sexy and desirable. That desire is paramount. Who would not love and want that? This was at a low point in my marriage and in my life.  I turned into a mean liar, denying it all.  I was horrible, like a spoiled teenager.  

Let me make this clear, I never physically cheater.  I never had sex with anyone else while married, but I emotionally cheated, which in some respects is far worse. 

The hardest part was the recovery when my ex found out.  I berated him. I blamed him, I accused him.  I was text book mid life crisis.  I could not admit my wrongs or feel remorse until long after the fact and by than it was too late.

My mind was so torn to shreds between reality and fantasy.  This man who professed his love for me and fought for me over and over was not important. I only felt smothered by him and it emotionally pushed me further away.

I was at my worse at this time.  I see it now.  I know it and I understand the damage I did to him. 

This may be why I made the divorce so easy on him.  I had regrets and I felt I owed it to him.  I told my boys early on: When you love someone, you must set them free and hope they return to you.  I had to allow my husband his freedom.  Maybe to heal, maybe to explore a new life.  As hard as it was letting go, I did it purely out of my love for him.  I knew it was the only way I could ever make things right.  Regardless of the outcome.

I wrote this not long after my divorce, however I was not brave enough to post it. I was ashamed.  

Time is always of the essence.  

These days 'shame' isn't even in my vocabulary.  

I'm at peace with my life and I believe the truth always sets us free.  

My freedom has been worth it.

Life can be complicated. 

I am not defined by my past, but I can use my past to redefine my present and allow my future to be better.