The Journey of Twisted Love

I have a male friend who I confide in over relationships.  The good, the bad and the ugly. 

We text and we share some of the most intimate details of our lives as friends.

I recently found myself sharing something profound with him and thought, 'this is blog worthy material.'

We were having a conversation about opening ourselves up and the risk of getting hurt to those we care for.  

I shared: 'It's the impact we have on others regardless of the end game.  It's always about the journey.  We have a gift to give again and again.'  

This isn't something we can do when we are married or in a long term relationship, 'give of ourselves again and again, with the risk of being hurt.'  As divorcees, (living single) we are free to be who we are and intertwine our lives with many, in a multitude of ways. 

We have become courageous 

in our quest for true love.  

This is a gift.

My friend understood.  He has had a treacherous road since his divorce.  I have seen him high and low.  He has grown from his experiences and escapades.

However, he has recently exposed himself. He is vulnerable to one woman. I knew it would happen eventually, he has allowed himself to fall in love.

We all need to experience vulnerability, especially when we are aware of the consequences of getting hurt.

I mentioned to him, throughout our conversation, that lately, I tend to turn my feelings on and off, like a faucet.  In any given moment I can feel things, but fast forward a day, those feelings may be totally different. 

Maybe it's a coping mechanism. Maybe it's just who I have become.  Living life for the moment, in the moment, without any real expectations or thoughts into the future.

My divorce friend is not the only person I have recently seen vulnerable.  A girlfriend of mine has had this experience as well.  She is exposed.  I see her highs and her lows.  These are the feelings of love that allow insecurities and fear to creep into our psyche.  What if we lose the person we care so deeply for? 

I have experienced this.  I have explored this side of feeling for another human being. It hurts. It is unpredictable.  It takes a toll emotionally.

It can be both exhilarating and exhausting.  I have chosen not to embrace these feelings again.  They tend to be complicated, leaving you feeling out of control.

I currently have made a choice to be cautious.  I am open, but not exposed.  I am present, but not vulnerable.  I am curious, but not determined.  I am satisfied with wherever I currently find myself.  Be it friendships or relationships that go deeper than friendships. 

We often make sacrifices for others, and give of ourselves to the point of losing who we are in the other person. I refuse to find myself in the space again.  

Staying true to who we are as individuals is the only way we can truly give to another human, with a healthy caring disposition that comes naturally and never forced. 

This is where my growth has taken me.

I see the beautiful love my friends have found, but I also see their struggles.  Struggles I have experienced in my past many, many times. 

Love is tricky. We put a lot of emphasis on this word and state of mind.  We crave it, yet it is the same thing that will destroy two people when that love is misguided with conditions and twisted with fear.

My friend described how he felt to me.  He made a huge statement that brought me pause.  I realized,  I want a man to love me the way my friend loves this particular woman. 

His love holds no boundaries. 

My friend is making a choice to risk pain, (his heart could break), however, he is taking a chance with this woman. His love is so strong he will risk his heart with only the hope his love will be returned.

He wrote:

"I want it bad enough that I'll take the pain"