Shame

Shame.

We all experience Shame.

We all have felt it.  

We have all been victim to it.

Women especially get shamed often.

We are shamed for our appearances.

We are shamed for our choices.

We are shamed for who we are in all facets of our lives.

Shame is a tool used to make another feel they are not good enough, they are not worthy or doing enough. 

Shame is a powerful tool.

If used correctly shame will destroy self esteem, self confidence and shatter personal growth.

My thoughts on this subject is not how to cope with shame, but why does it exist?

I believe women shame their counter parts out of fear, more often than out of hate.

Fear of failure instinctively
makes us want to see another fail. 

"I feel less than... or I feel like I'm failing, therefore I will project those feelings on a another.  I will shame them to make my own feelings of failure lessen."

We do not necessarily do this consciously.  It's an automatic response. Our instincts kick in for survival.  It's a dangerous Avenue.

I personally have a difficult time accepting shame into my life.  This is probably because my fears are limited.  There are times, I feel I can be doing more, however, I do so much for so many, I stop and I remind myself I am doing 'my best.'  There are truly only so many hours in the day.  There will be days I need to make choices and sacrifices, but I have learned that is part of growth.  

When to let go and not feel uneasy or bad about it.

I work full time as an accountant, at month end close, I work, at least, an additional ten hours. 

I am a single mom of two boys.  I support them, and care for them 100% on my own, 50% of the time.  It is much more difficult than having my kids 100% of the time with their father.  Managing a schedule and all that comes with raising children on a timeshare can be complex.  No one truly understands these dynamics until they've experienced divorce.  

I oversee my son's Cubscout Pack. We meet weekly.  I coordinate events, campouts, handle communication, manage the books and process all the paperwork for the district.  It's become a lot, but I've embraced the roll and have many adult leaders that have stepped up to help make my role easier.  It truly takes a village.  When I feel I need help, I ask.  And I never feel I'm doing it alone. This is key!  

I am a Vice President of the PTA for my youngest son's school. (We have two VPs.) I easily took back being the liaison for the school and local businesses, Business Partner Coordinator.  This involves managing communications, setting up spirit nights, promotional banners and donations from the local businesses with regards to the school.  I have built relationships with this role over the last four years, we have a lot of wonderful people in the community who are eager to help.

My downfall is I can't always be in two places at once.  Gratefully, there is a team moms at the school who love volunteering and many do not work in an office all day and can be at events or meetings when I am unable to attend.  I always feel when I can't physically be someplace, I make up for it with my work behind the scenes.  We all contribute in different ways. 

I am Vice President of Education for my public speaking club, Toastmasters. 

I create and manage changes for the weekly schedule and assist where needed.  This club meets weekly.  I love it, but it is also another commitment that fell on my lap by accident.  

I continue to throw events for my Singles Club once a month and began a Mystery Date promotion.  I do this because it's fun to see people meet and its exciting when they connect.

I am far from single these days.  I currently have a live in boyfriend who has his two year old, half the time.  This has created a dynamic, blended family in my home.  I am thankful to have a boyfriend who has stepped in and ultimately helped me in many ways.  Family dinners have been consistent.  He cooks, often cleans and has shown my boys a different type of role model. A single dad of a toddler is probably more challenging than what I have experienced as a single mom.  

We have over come many challenges, but are now settling in together as a family.  He reminds me to slow down, relax and he makes me laugh every day.  

One any given week, Mondays I have a Toastmasters meeting, Tuesday is a Cub Scout meeting, Wednesdays are date night with one of my sons,  Thursdays my oldest son has his Boys Scout meeting. (I take him every other week)  Friday I can chill. Weekends are a mix bag.  I could be camping, managing an event, or enjoying life.  I will often plan to catch up with my sister or friends. 

I share all this with purpose.  No one truly understands another persons struggles or what their day to day lives are like.  I personally juggle a lot, but I am aware of my limitations.  

Shame has zero time to rear its ugly head.  Are there times I feel I can be doing more?  100% - Absolutely!  

Don't we ALL feel like this at times?

I often feel like some aspect of my life falls short, right down to the pile of laundry on my couch that often seems to be put on hold.

No, I don't slow down, nor do I let anything go, however, I find ways to give myself a break.  

We all have areas of struggle and there is no magic wand, yet I share understanding, and there's never a good reason to Shame. 

There are days I can be a better _________.

Fill in the blank:  Mom, Sister, Friend, Girlfriend, Vice President, Person.  

Think about that!  

There are times I can be a better Person.

I know this.  However, I would never put this on someone else.  

Shame will make us feel like less of a person, if we place 'Blame.'

Blame is how we Shame.  It makes everyone involved feel 'less than.' 

Work on taking care of YOU first, before you put those feelings of inadequacy on someone else.  If you are not feeling whole or feeling worthy, you tend to want another to take on those feelings.  

When we check in with ourselves, and take self care, all the unworthiness is released and nobody gets hurt.