Kidnapped By Aliens 👽

My kids went to Roswell with their dad a few weeks ago, it was part of their three week trek around the country.  A fabulous vacation for my boys, I was thrilled they had this opportunity with their dad.

For the most part their dad and I are civil and come to common ground for our children.  However, once in a blue moon I am reminded of how bad being married to him was.

Their trip to Roswell and a recent disagreement reminded me of a comment one of my sisters made right after I told her I was getting divorced.  

She said, "It was as if you were abducted by Aliens for 11 years."

I laughed and have often thought about her perspective over the last three years since getting divorced.  

In hindsight I know she was absolutely correct.

Before I was married, I was carefree, happy, a free spirit, my own beautiful soul.

Somewhere between believing I had 'fallen in love at first sight' and realizing I could never grow old with this person, my spark was captured.  I didn't know it until I was freed once again.

The more time that passes, the more Facebook Memories I see, the more I come to terms with who I had become while married.

I lost all my spiritualness.  I lost my love for day to day life.  I lost everything that made me unique, as I was not 'allowed' to be my authentic self. 

I see old photos pop up and I think, who is that person?  That's not me.  

Wife? 

Mother? 

Mental servant?

The irony is something recently really got under my skin and it reminded me how terrible my married existence was.  I literally had to end the texting conversation as it crossed boundaries and dismissed my role as a mother.

My kids of course shared their dad's outburst as he was driving home from their big vacation.  He yelled, "F*CK YOU" and called me controlling after reading my texts.  

He wasn't getting the passive responses I normally give, I had pushed back, and was not in agreement with his 'wishes.'  

It is laughable as I am not controlling and my position was clear.  You had the boys for 3 weeks, I, as agreed, would have our boys for three weeks.  It should not matter whether or not I am taking them on vacation. 

There was more to the dialogue and I ultimately agreed to share time for his birthday, as I am not unreasonable.  

My thoughts and understanding of the situation was he had an agenda, and he always feels his position is the only position.  His ego always large and in charge. 

Do we have an "Unconventional Divorce? 

It is generic at best.  We don't hate and fight, for the most part, but there is little care nor understanding for each others feelings.  I probably should have called my blog, "The Indifferent Divorce."  

There's no real care.  I'm not really sure there ever was.  I was devoted and allowed him to make most or all decisions while married, because it was easier.  

I was devoted

& I changed for him.  

The minute I was independent, I reclaimed myself.  I came back to my carefree, happy self.  I started thinking for myself, my beliefs, my perspective mattered again.  

His criticism, of my character, took a toll over the years.  It was relentless, especially when we fought.  I eventually stopped caring what he felt or thought.  

This happens in relationships.  It is nothing new.  

I have since loved again and hurt again, but it was always better then being trapped in a mental space of sacrificing all of me for someone that never knew or allowed me to be who I was.  It was slow and steady.  We most definitely married too quickly.  

When people ask me why my marriage didn't work out I always tell them we are two very different people.  

He is a rule follower, he makes lists, he likes structure, and is regimented.  He leads his life with his head. 

I am anything but.  I like socializing, making memories and being spontaneous.  I love to laugh, be carefree and open. I lead with my gut and intuition.  I am a feeler and a healer.  My spiritualness is a huge part of what makes me unique.

However, every so often he tries to make me into that person he is via our boys.  He may get frustrated when I no longer comply or I don't give him what 'he thinks' is best. I no longer need to be that person he thought I should be.

Maybe one day he will recognize this and see me for who I am and get over his need to control everyone and everything in his life.

In the meantime, he is stuck raising two boys with me, who often mirror me.  

They know I love them unconditionally and allow them to be their authentic selves. I can only hope he allows the same in his home as well.  

I escaped the alien abduction, and it was worth it for my beautiful children.  They get the best of me and that is exactly the way it should be.